The Tabloid News Edition 18
'The Tabloid News XVIII ' by Sir Pickles 'FROM THE EDITOR ' Greetings and Felcitations from your esteemed Editor. Not that anyone cares, but I’ve been gone for a while. I would love to tell you all where I have been, but His Majesty would prefer I not. Let us just say some martini’s were consumed, Communists thwarted, and danger averted. By the way, they were real GIN martini’s, and they were stirred, not shaken as to not water down the liquor. Anyway, on with the news . . . 'TOTALLY GUITARDED DECLARED A WITCH ' During a recent conversation with shockingly handsome Editor-In-Chief of The Tabloid News, Sir Pickles, Totally Guitarded revealed her powers of sorcery, and was later decalred a witch by the New England Association of Puritan Ministers. Sir Pickles and Guitarded were have a cross country telephone conversation when Guitarded revealed that she knew Sir Pickles was wearing new shoes. Sir Pickles was obviously shocked, and confessed this information with his local Priest, who contacted NEAPM. The high council of NEAPM investigated these allegations, and declared Guitarded a witch. Guitarded reportedly denies all allegations of witchdom and declared Portia was the true witch. When asked about the counter accusation, Portia said, “I am THE witch ......... and there is only one, so she can't be!!” A floating test for both women is scheduled for early next week to confirm the validity of these allegations. 'MR. VALENTINE SEEN WITH KNOWN COMMUNISTS AND CANADIANS ' The loyalty of Mr. Valentine to truth, justice, and the American way has been called into questions by government authorities when photographic evidence showed Mr. Valentine associating with the parking valet outside the Russian Embassy. The Valet, an admitted Canadian from Manitoba, has been working at the Embassy for three weeks. Long enough to be embroiled in whatever sinister and evil Machinations the Stalinist government has in store for freedom loving people everywhere. Care should be taken when speaking to Mr. Valentine about anything sensitive to the American government until he is declared a spy or patriot. It is the opinion of this newspaper that you should err on the side of caution and throw raw beets at Mr. Valentine at any opportunity. 'ASK RED WATCH : ADVICE COLUMN ' Dear Red, I’ve been having problems sleeping lately. My bed is too uncomfortable. May I sleep on your lap? Signed, SP ---------------------------- Dear Sir [Pickles}, Take a handful of sleeping pills, and a bottle of vodka before bed. That will help us both out. Red ------------------------------- Dear Red, How can I avoid being arrested? Every time I commit a crime, I get caught. I hate prison. I hate Bubba. What can I do? Signed, Jailbird ----------------------------------- Dear Bird, I strongly suggest shelling out the cash for a better lawyer. You might also want to stop using a paper bag without eye holes as your disguise in the local 7-11’s. If that doesn’t work, I sugges you take up knitting instead of committing crimes. Red 'TIE DOMI II SEEN IN ROSWELL ' Tie DomiII was seen recently in Roswell, New Mexico seeking to buy land from the United States Military. When asked why he wanted to purchase the land, Tie said he wanted to build beach front condos on the White Sands. However, upon investigation of the architectural plans filed with the Roswell City Government, it is apparent that Tie does not wish to build condos, but rather a landing strip and hangar. When asked what airline he was building it for, Tie, denied ever being given a message from an alien. Reporters from The Tabloid News were a little confused because they had not asked him about aliens. However, this story seems deeper than the attempted real estate transaction we first investigated. We will continue to follow this story. 'SIR PICKLES WINS HUMANITARIAN AWARD ' Sir Pickles recently won an award from the Stockholm Society For Better Life. The award was given to him in the field of “God’s Gift to Mankind.” Sir Pickles well known philanthropy, good looks, and charm led to his nomination. No one else was deemed worthy to nominee. Both Tie DomiII and Miguel voiced their objections to being excluded.